CALEDONIAN COMMENT

UK Business Secretary Lord Mandelson (pictured above) reportedly “went behind Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s back” last week in a last-ditch attempt to snatch the job of EU foreign supremo and abandon the Cabinet, it was claimed over the weekend. “Reliable” diplomatic sources claim Mandelson made frantic phone calls to prominent EU figures to try to persuade them to make him the EU High Representative responsible for foreign policy instead of unknown fellow New Labour politician Baroness Ashton. And when his bid failed he urged the PM to sack inept, incompetent Foreign Secretary David Miliband and give him his job. To be fair to Mandelson, leaving aside his ambition, sacking Miliband isn’t actually a bad idea. But to get back to the story.

Predictably, a tired, dispirited Mr Brown (above) and the PM’s office have made no comment. But the allegations have shocked New Labour Ministers, who had been told that Lord Mandelson had supported Baroness Ashton after his own candidacy – together with that of Mr Miliband and former Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon – had been ruled out. However, reliable sources say that Lord Mandelson made an astonishing second attempt to grab the job in the days leading up to last week’s EU summit. The sources said that he did so without informing the PM. All these “shocked” politicians – if they’re really shocked at anything Lord Mandelson is capable of, they shouldn’t be in politics because they’re far too naive and trusting. And it’s good to know that in the middle of the worst recession in living memory, with banks still not lending, unemployment rising, repossessions increasing and businesses going bust every day, that our leaders have still got their priorities right by wasting their time and our money acting like spoilt children by jockeying for position within a burning building.

Mind you, Lord Mandelson may be doing us a favour by highlighting the banality of the EU appointments. Just who is this Baroness Ashton ? The above photo was taken in 1982 and will help us. Partially obscured behind a group of fellow Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (CND) activists, a mousy little woman in a crumpled anorak, top right circled in red, stands on the steps of 10 Downing Street. It is April 1982, and Cathy Ashton – CND’s influential national treasurer and a suspected Communist sympathiser – is demanding that the then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher turn back the British naval Task Force heading for the Falklands amid fears that it was armed with nuclear weapons.

Fast-forward 27 years to last week and Cathy cuts no less a banal and anonymous figure. Yet in political terms she has risen astonishingly. Cathy Ashton, or Baroness Ashton as she is today, has left CND and is now the European Union’s grandiosely titled “High Representative for Foreign Affairs”, serving 490 million citizens. She will receive an annual salary of £239,000 as well as a raft of allowances and perks that will net her an estimated £4 million in 6 years. It is an absolute scandal that such a non-elected nonentity can achieve such promotion. What gives this woman the right to represent us in foreign affairs, apart from the seedy patronage of Gordon Brown, himself another unelected nonentity ? The cynical, hypocritical, undemocratic, nauseatingly patronising, self-interest of New Labour just stinks.

Pictured above are former Hitler Youth and Nazi anti-aircraft gunner Pope Benedict XVI, together with the head of the Church of England, the Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams. In taking the unusual step over the weekend of protesting personally to the Prussian Pontiff about the latter’s shock announcement last month of special new arrangements for the mass conversion (poaching) to Roman Catholicism of disillusioned, traditionalist (that’s gay hating and women hating) Anglicans. A spokeswoman for Dr Williams said after their meeting: “Obviously the Archbishop expressed concern at the way things have happened. The Pope listened in a friendly spirit.” A statement issued by the Vatican, displaying its usual insufferable arrogance, described their discussions as “cordial” and, without referring specifically to the Pope’s initiative, said they had “focused on recent events affecting relations between the Roman Catholic church and the Anglican communion”. Is this bloke Williams a man or a mouse ? Why didn’t he just tell this German head of the biggest front for paedophiles on the planet to get knotted ? There again, Dr Williams himself might have retained more credibility with his deluded flock if he hadn’t spent the last 2 years trying to convince everyone of the efficacy of Sharia Law.

And while we’re on about the puerile insanity of religion, particularly within the Roman Catholic church, the late Pope John Paul II (pictured above) regularly whipped himself in a sign of “remorse for his sins,” a nun has sensationally revealed. This is the Polish bloke that used to kiss runways when he landed his plane; he died in 2005 and is currently being considered for sainthood by the Roman Catholic church – the ultimate accolade and a tribute to a “holy” person – provided the Vatican can find a couple of pious cretins who can attest to “miracles” he’s effected since his death – which of course the Vatican surely will.

As part of the Vatican’s ongoing investigation thousands of documents have been collected and examined by officials from the Congregation for the Causes of Saints. Among them is the testimony of Polish nun Tobiana Sobodka, of the Sacred Heart of Jesus order, who worked for Pope John Paul II in his private Vatican apartments and at his summer residence in Castel Gandolfo near Rome. Sister Sobodka said: “Several times he would put himself through bodily penance. ‘We would hear it – we were in the next room at Castel Gandolfo. You could hear the sound of the blows when he flagellated himself. He did it when he was still capable of moving on his own”. As of yet no-one within the Vatican has quizzed the nun as to how he received flagellation once he became incapable of moving on his own. But then again, these nuns are trained to be doctrinally versatile. It really is hard to believe that in the 21st century we’re still being fed this medieval bullshit – and even harder to believe that anyone with even an elementary education would be naive and brainless enough to want to convert to it.

Language testing (above). You’d think the procedure would be simple and easy. But in politically correct Britain these days, they’re REALLY easy. Immigrants who don’t understand English have been able to BUY language certificates that give them the right to settle in the UK. An investigation has found that staff at English language colleges in London and Birmingham have been offering migrants who speak little or no English Home Office-regulated English and Citizenship certificates for £250 each. Tests are rigged to allow anyone to pass. Staff hand out crib sheets with questions and answers in English. Others let candidates write the sound of English words on the sheets in their native language, so the answers appear right, but they don’t know what they are saying.

At the UK Learning Academy in Birmingham, a staff assessor told an undercover reporter that candidates did not have to take any courses or speak any English to pass the tests. The assessor simply asked if the candidate knew their own name, date of birth and address. When told that they did, the assessor allegedly replied: “That’s all right then. That’s a guaranteed pass.” Which raises 2 interesting questions : (a) Will those people who paid for their certificates now be re-tested ? And (b) What the hell were they doing even pretending to teach English in BIRMINGHAM, where even the indigenous population have never mastered the language ? 

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According to the incompetent, out-of-his-depth UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband, The Afghan government headed up by recently “re-elected” President Hamid Karzai (pictured above) could fall within weeks if NATO pulled out its troops out of the country. Miliband was warning British opponents of the war to give the fight to rebuild the country more time. In an interview at the end of a his visit to Kabul for the recent Presidential inauguration of  Karzai, the Foreign Secretary said: “If international forces leave, you can choose a time – 5 minutes, 24 hours or 7 days – but the insurgent forces will overrun those forces that are prepared to put up resistance and we would be back to square one.” What is it with cretins like Miliband, seemingly determined to be charitable to undemocratic cheats like Karzai ? The average Brit doesn’t give a toss about Afghanistan – they do however care very deeply about the futile deaths of our brave soldiers being sent ill equipped and poorly resourced to prop up a corrupt dictator. And if the argument is that the troops are somehow preventing terrorism in the UK by being in Afghanistan, perhaps they’d be better utilised in that objective by patrolling inner city areas looking for home-grown terrorists in places like Birmingham, Leeds and Manchester.

The Head of the Church of England, the Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams met privately with the Pope today (pair pictured above, although I’m not quite sure what a miniature Darth Vader is doing in the background) in an effort to ease tensions over the Vatican’s recent move to “poach” Anglican clergy. Dr  Williams held talks with former Hitler Youth and Nazi anti-aircraft gunner Pope Benedict XVI, in Rome, in what the Vatican called, “cordial discussions”, to consolidate relations between the 2 churches. It it was the first time the two have met since the Pope approved an unprecedented decree to accept Anglicans into the Roman Catholic fold. After the 20-minute meeting the Vatican issued a brief statement saying that the two leaders “turned to the challenges facing all Christian communities; and the need to promote forms of collaboration and shared witness in facing these challenges.” Leaving all that ecclesiastical bollocks to one side, surely Dr Williams has a clinching argument in stressing the incompatiblity of the 2 sets of clergy : Church of England vicars tend to favour same-sex relations between ADULTS.

Another New Labour cop-out. This time it’s their proposals to counter teenage gang culture (above). New anti-social behaviour injunctions – dubbed “Gangbos” – aimed at tackling teenage gang members as young as 14 are to be introduced as part of the new crime and security bill, the Home Secretary disclosed yesterday. These “softly-softly”civil injunctions will include bans on meeting other gang members, wearing gang colours, going to certain locations or having a violent dog in a public place. Breaching a “Gangbo” could require the offender to report to the police regularly, obey a curfew enforced by an electronic tag or attend anger management courses. What a load of mealy-mouthed cowardly nonsense – why not just lock them up ? Or is New Labour worried in case it alienates a large part of its voter base, the parents of the little sods ?

In the UK a facially disfigured campaigner has become a public favourite after reading the news on Channel 5 for a week. Founder of the charity “Changing Faces” James Partridge (pictured above) was badly burned in a car accident when he was 18 and went through more than 50 operations in 5 years to try and lessen his scarring. Since appearing and presenting the news he has developed a strong fanbase after being invited by Channel 5 to front the lunchtime news for a week in a bid to weaken stereotypes about appearance. More power to him – they should give him a prime time slot if he’s a good presenter and never mind his appearance.

Another in our occasional series, “Britain has gone completely mad” . Perhaps the ultimate in political correctness –  one of the world’s most famous children’s toys, Barbie, has been given a makeover  – wearing a burkha. Wearing the traditional Islamic dress, the iconic doll is going undercover for a charity auction in connection with Sotheby’s for Save The Children. What next ? Detachable hands to punish dolls who steal ? Miniature stones to chuck at them if they commit imagined adultery ? Miniature corsets containing semtex ? The mind bloody boggles.

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Meet the President of Afghanistan. Elected for a second term by means of balloting irregularities that even George W Bush might have blushed over, Hamid Karzai (pictured above, centre) was sworn in yesterday for another 5 years in the presence of such dignatories as the US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the inept, incompetent UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband.  As brave Coalition soldiers continue to die to prop up his rotten regime, Karzai swore to fight corruption – even as one of his ministers was accused by the US of taking a $30 million dollar bribe. After the proceedings, in a piece of crass stupidity even by his standards, Miliband actually welcomed Karzai’s “crusade” against corruption – that’s language that’s sure to get Islamic fundamentalists onside, isn’t it, David ?  And in a supplementary statement right out of New Labour’s election manifesto, Happy Hamid also pledged that Afghan forces would take total control of the country’s security within 5 years. And then the band played. Why don’t we just get out of there NOW and let this corrupt dictator stew in his own juice ?

The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) yesterday warned jovial, upbeat UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling (pictured above) that he could not afford pre-election giveaways, as official figures revealed that last month was the worst October on record for the public finances. With the Chancellor putting the finishing touches to his pre-budget report, due on 9 December, the Paris-based OECD think tank insisted that “the weak UK fiscal position leaves little room for additional stimulus”, and urged Mr Darling to announce “concrete and comprehensive consolidation plans” to put the government’s finances back in order. What nonsense the OECD talks – there’s no lack of money in the UK - we simply print the stuff – it’s called Quantitative Easing !

You would think that the appointments of a President and a Foreign Minister of the EU would be big news. But last night The first EU President was named as Belgian Prime Minister Herman Van Rompuy (pictured above). I’m sure major world leaders are queuing up to meet him – Herman Who ? Unknown Baroness Cathy Ashton, the UK’s EU Trade Commissioner, was also celebrating after becoming Europe’s first Foreign Minister. She got the post after being endorsed by Gordon Brown. That’s what happens I suppose when a nonentity gets endorsed by a nonentity. Mr Brown said the appointment would reaffirm Britain’s influence in Europe. What a load of bollocks.

One welcome side effect at least of the appointment of these nobodies is that former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair (pictured above) didn’t get the EU Presidency. The thought of him strutting about the world stage, not to mention the notion of Cherie Blair coming across as First Lady of Europe, was a nauseating prospect. So Tony’s cynical ploy of converting to Roman Catholicism and all these cosy private audiences with former Hitler Youth and Nazi anti-aircraft gunner Pope Benedict XVI came to nothing. I wonder how many times he’ll attend Mass from now on ?

The rapidly ageing and totally irrelevant Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (pictured above), may well be accused of racist assault. The former mistress, now wife, of the equally rapidly ageing and almost as totally irrelevant Prince Charles, was paying a visit to a nautical-themed Happy Child Harlesdon Nursery, a children’s playground in north-west London yesterday. She bent down to talk to one toddler but as a result her ample behind bumped into 3 year-old Jerrod (above right). Judging by his expression, he wasn’t amused ! Trust Camilla to make an arse of it. But look on the bright side, Jerrod –  if you don’t get compensation, at least you’ve got a royal photo for posterity.

Pictured above are 3 of the world’s greatest sports stars. On the left, tennis legend Roger Federer. On the right, golfing legend Tiger Woods. And in the middle, football cheat Thierry Henry. But advertising sponsors are reportedly standing by Henry after the Barcelona striker’s blatant, cheating double handball (pictured below) gave France a place at next year’s Soccer World Cup finals in South Africa at the expense of Ireland.

Sports fans the world over have turned on the football star, who enjoys a global profile partly thanks to an advertising campaign by Gillette, the shaving brand, that placed him in the very top tier alongside Federer and Woods. Advertisers’ decisions to retain Henry after his disgraceful display on Wednesday say plenty about the corrupt state of business – as does the football authorities’ decision neither to punish Henry nor order a replay. It’s not sport any more – it’s grubby, cheating money making and it stinks.

And while we’re on about sporting irregularities, Caster Semenya (pictured above), the controversial South African athlete, will be allowed to keep her (!?)  800 Metre World Championship gold medal (s)he won in Berlin. The International Association of Athletics Federation (IAAF) has ruled that the 18-year-old, who stormed to victory only for questions to be raised about her gender immediately after the race, was innocent of any wrongdoing. Semenya’s victory was overshadowed by the revelation that the IAAF had commissioned a gender test on the teenager. However, South Africa’s government, Semenya’s lawyers and the IAAF have now reached total agreement that (s)he should retain her medal, title and prize money and confirmed that gender tests conducted on Semenya would remain confidential. Why have the tests to remain confidential ? As if we didn’t know. Still, I suppose it would be racist to suggest that the IAAF has made a balls-up.

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